Invasion of Fischler - an exchange of letters

Out of the blue, Franz received this strange missive (slightly editted):

Franz,

You really amaze me. After all this time gallavanting around the world with your grubby motely mercenary crew, you leave me at home tending to house and the business; mopping the floors, keeping the rooms clean, the larder full, pouring ales for drunken brigand half wits who wallow in their own vomit by closing time. All this without the help of the man of the house and you expect to buy me off with the odd letter and some cock'n'bull story of how you are going to save the world? It is no surprise to me that you and your dogbreath friends end up running away from almost everyone you meet and I am surprised the authorities haven't recognised you lot for the vagrants you are and put you all in the stocks. I mean if this is your version of the heroic deeds of your band of intrepid wanderers the truth of the matter must defy description!

MY GOD FRANZ YOU SAID IT WOULD ONLY BE A COUPLE OF MONTHS AT THE MOST!

Where is the goddam money huh?

What's a girl to do?

Well I'll tell you.

About a month ago your cousin Dagmar (the doughnut) moved in after cleaning out a couple of drunks (reminded me of your companions) who overstayed their welcome. Yes I know he is fat and ugly but he has a regular income and he is Here. So you and your rescue the world notions can relax and take as much time as you like. I'm done.

Oh by the way Dagmar is [skilled in the bedroom arts].

Kirstin.

Franz dutifully replied:

My dear young lady,

I have no idea how you came by my sister's letter, and I can only guess at the suffering you have endured that you would create such a fantasy as that which you describe.

However, should it happen that you are with my cousin Dagmar then I send you both my blessings--after he lost his penis in that most unfortunate accident we feared he would never know the love of a woman again.

May Theus bless you both!

Franz.