strap me up

Strap me up and abuse me

Much has been said in the old helmet law debate. Some are for it and some are against it and stuck in the middle is the poor old helmet itself. Some on the anti-law side of the debate present evidence as to whether a bike helmet is actually suitable for the job that is expected of it.

The bike helmet's impact resistance, its coverage of the head and its overall dimension, are all very interesting factors. But there is one design flaw that is so basic, so hideous that we deliberately shut out all mention of it because the only alternative is to go completely and utterly mad.

I am talking, of course about the helmet strap. Those few bits of webbing and plastic bucklery arranged in a cunning way so that they are never in quite the right position to be comfortable, and so that should you try to adjust it, it will only make it less so. Actually, it’s physically impossible to fiddle around with all those complicated knots and buckles, (or adjust the helmet strap, as we laughingly describe this activity), and end up with a more comfortably fitting and securely strapped on helmet. After a lengthy period of sweating and cursing and trying to coax a few bits of rather recalcitrant webbing through a few somewhat constipated buckles, the straps are in a position that I like to believe for a few moments will fit better. This illusion shatters, of course, the moment I try the helmet on and find that with my assistance it has arranged itself so that my left ear is being folded into a fairly respectable origami swan, and at the same time the chinstrap has secured itself firmly against by Adam's apple. Even if I could breathe it would make little difference because I can't see a thing due to the peak holding itself on a particularly racy, or rather, dangerously blinding angle.

For all the care and attention, for all the measuring and calculating, for all the begging and pleading and threatening and cursing, it makes no difference. The helmet strap cares not for the wishes of mere mortal man. It abides by a law of it’s own; if it is adjusted it becomes less comfortable.

In the end I take the only rational choice left. I put the helmet on, I do up the strap, hold the helmet firmly in place with one hand, and with the other start pulling and tugging at straps and buckles at random, until I find myself with a more or less comfortably fitting helmet. It takes much less time than the other more careful method, and the result is no less acceptable.

But why do I find myself in this position in the first place? Exactly how difficult can it be to design a well fitting, simple to adjust helmet strap? Bikes are made out of hi-tech titanium and carbon fibre and weird mixtures and matrixes of metals. Helmets themselves are designed for protection and ventilation and aesthetics to within an inch of their lives, yet the straps are still these few bits of webbing and plastic that have remained essentially the same since helmets were first introduced. The boffins always seem to neglect the most important things.

Even once the straps are adjusted to some sort of semblance of respectability, the drama doesn’t end there. I fantasise about a helmet where I can pick it up, throw it on, and do up the strap in one easy movement. Instead, I pick the helmet up, hold it upside down and carefully lay the straps out on either side, then using both hands I place the helmet on my head making sure the straps don't get caught or tangled on anything on the way. Then, making sure I keep them all lying flat, I clip up the chinstrap. That's usually when I realise that one of the straps has twisted after all, or that the other strap has gotten caught under the padding or something and I have to take it off and start all over again. I usually get it right on the second or third attempt, then I'm On My Way, Baby!