A priest booking a hotel room by phone said to the Receptionist, 'Will the pornography channel on my TV be disabled?'

She said, 'No, it'll be just regular porn - and you're a Sicko!'

A businessman had been on the road for three weeks and was ready for some pampering when he checked into a city hotel.

On the bedside table was a business card saying, 'Phone Candy for a great sexy time at your place.'

So he picked up the phone and dialled the number.

When the female voice answered he announced his room number and the hotel name, then said 'Come right around, and bring your bag of tricks with you: Baby Oil, Marshmallows, the Mask and the Boots, everything - and we'll have great sex all night long!'

The female voice said, 'Sir, if you want an outside line you'll have to dial 9 first.'

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims 'Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?'

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out 'Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!'

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the 'Rodeo'.

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : 'Your sister likes this position too.'

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds!!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to her lover, 'into the closet!', and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'They're quick, aren't they!'

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear. She said, 'Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

'I have? A suppository?'

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said: 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.'

John returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Mary, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made mad passionate love.

Six hours later, John went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'

Mary agrees and again they make love.

Later, John was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Mary's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

John, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Not now John! I have to get up in the morning...'

A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside.

'I don't want to alarm you,' he said, 'but I don't like the way your wife looks at all.'

'Me neither, Doc.' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and real good with the kids.'

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

'Well,' replied the man, 'when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.'

'Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much,' said his friend. 'I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough.'

The groom nodded gently and said, 'That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!'

Two old men were sitting on a park bench and passing the time of day.

One old man asked the other, 'How is your wife?'

Second old man replied, 'I think she may be dead!'

First old man, 'What do you mean you THINK she may be dead?'

Second old man, 'Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.'

An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, 'My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you.'

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin.

With a frown, his wife says, 'Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.'

A nun was sitting with the Mother Superior, chatting.

'I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.' she murmured.

'When did you use this awful language my child?' asked the elder.

'Well, I was golfing, I hit a drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line and fell to the ground after going only about 100 yards.'

'Is that when you swore?'

'No, Mother,' replied the nun, 'a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbing my ball in its mouth began to run away.'

So THAT's when you swore?' asks the Mother Superior again.

'Well, no,' said the nun. 'you see, as it scurried away, an eagle flew out of the sky and grabbing the creature in its talons, began flying away!'

'And THAT is when you swore!' said the amazed elder nun.

'No, not yet. The eagle carried it aloft and as they flew near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.'

You swore THEN?' gasped the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

'No,' replied the younger, 'the ball hit a rock, bounced over a sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped six inches from the hole.'

The Mother Superior sighed and the two nuns were silent for a moment, 'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?' she cried.