On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.'Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, 'and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

'Back ladies, back!' cried the leader. 'There's a very dangerous beast out there!'

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

'Well, err... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!'

'Wow!' exclaimed the oldest of the group. 'I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!'

The teenage girl was applying for a part time job after school.

During the interview, she was asked: 'What was your last position ?'

Without hesitation, she replied, 'Missionary.'

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room.

After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm praying for guidance,' answered the young man.

'I'll take care of that,' she replied. 'You pray for endurance

John came home in great excitement and said to his wife, 'Judi, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.'

'Really,' she said , interested at once. 'What is it?'

'Back to back,' John replies

'But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back.'

'Yes we can,' he says. 'I've persuaded another couple to help out!'

A marriage broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a cofirmed bachelor for many years.

'Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!' says the marriage broker.

'Don't bother,' replies Mr Cohen, 'I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.'

'That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.'

'I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!'

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says 'It looks like you blew a seal.'

'No, no,' the penguin replies, 'It's just ice cream.'

An attractive young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee,' was her reply.

'Where?' he asked.

'Between the first and second hole.'

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

The long term implications of modern drugs must be fully considered.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.

It is now widely believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

A debt collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen behind on her payments.

'All right, lady,' said he, 'how about the next instalment on that couch?'

The lady shrugged. 'I guess that's better than having to give you money.'

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

'You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?'

The Englishman replied, with a smile, 'Very sporting of your Mother.'

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

'Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?'

After some thought Jane proudly replied with 'Monday.'

'Great, Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day'

'Does anyone know another word.'

'I do! I do!' replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.

'OK, Mike, what is your word?'

'Saturday.' says Mike.

'Great, that has three syllables...'

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says 'I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!'

Not thinking he could do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, 'O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?'

Johnny proudly says, 'Mas...tur...ba...tion.'

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure, says, 'Wow, Johnny! Four syllables! That certainly is a mouthful.'

'No, Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob'. That has only two syllables.'

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. 'Where to?' he stammered.

'The Railway Station,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you're completely naked, and now I'm wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.

One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, 'I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?'

The girl says, 'I'll go first.' She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

When he's about half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, 'I've never seen a display like that in my life.'

He then turns to the young man and asks, 'Can you top that?'

The young man replies, 'No problem. Just get that lion out of the way.'

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, 'Oh jeez, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason.'

The blonde looks at her and says, ' What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?'

The brunette replies, 'Oh sure, but I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs up in the air.'

The blonde says, 'Gee! don't you have a vase?'