A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the shopping centre car park, looking for a space.

Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

'Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?' yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, 'What makes you think these are all mine ?'

This guy is selling three parrots.

A prospective customer asks, 'How much are your parrots?'

The salesman answers, 'The first one is $1,000.' 'What does he know?'

'He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.'

'How about the second one?'

'The second parrot costs $5,000.'

'What does he know?'

'He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.'

'Then what is the price for the third one' '

This one costs $20,000.'

'Really! exclaims the excited buyer.

What does he know?' 'This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'BOSS.'

A Texan was visiting an Australian sheep station to learn how the Australians raise sheep in the only climate drier than West Texas.

While out riding the station lines, the Texan spied a sheep. 'Might woolly rabbits you got here,' he said.

'What rabbit, mate?' the Australian asked. 'That's a sheep.'

'Oh,' the Texan replied. 'Well in Texas, that's the size of the rabbits.'

They rode a bit further past some cows. 'You just shear those sheep?' the Texan asked.

'What sheep, mate?' the Australian replied. 'Those are cows.'

'Oh, well in Texas, that's the size of the sheep.'

A bit further on a kangaroo jumped across the road. 'That's the first kangaroo I've seen in the wild,' the Texan said.

'What kangaroo, mate?' the Australian asked. '

That one,' the Texan said, pointing at the disappearing roo. '

What,' the Australian asked. 'Never seen a grasshopper before, mate?'

It was a bit later in the day - and the Texan was really getting on the Aussie's nerves by this time - when the talk got around to the size of the sheep station.

When the Aussie told him that he could go up in his little airplane and when he got as high as he could, he still couldn't see the boundaries of the sheep station.

The Texan told him that there's no point in him trying that aerial view as he needs to experience the huge size of his property.

He told the Aussie that he could rise at dawn, have a quick breakfast, then hop in his car and drive all day, and still couldn't reach the boundary fence.

The Aussie said, 'Yeah, I had a car like that once...'

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, 'Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his pocket.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's priceless, and has been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

Sure enough, the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Shit' said the hypnotist.

And it took three weeks to clean up the theater...

Jack Nicklaus was being interviewed by a TV reporter who was trying to butter him up by telling him his name was synonymous with golf.

'You really know your way around the golf course,' the interviewer said. 'What's your secret?'

And the Golden Bear deadpanned, 'The holes are numbered.'

A guy went to see his doctor and told him, 'Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'.'

'Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is that common?'

'It's not unusual.'

A couple interrupted their holiday trip to go to the dentist.

'I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry,' the woman said. 'Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way.'

The dentist was quite impressed. 'You're certainly a courageous woman,' he said. 'Which tooth is it?'

The woman turned to her husband and said, 'Show him your tooth, dear.'

An inventor came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time, and sold it to a large bakery for a handsome profit.

Shortly after that he developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that one for an even greater profit.

Finally, he came up with the ultimate bread slicer. This huge knife could cut four loaves of bread at the same time!

And so was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.

Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she'd ever had.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

There she was met by two brothers, who said. 'Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.'

'I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.

Just out of curiosity, who cooked what?'

Brother Charles replied, 'Well, I'm the fish friar.'

So she turned to the other brother and sais, 'Then you must be...?'

'Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk.'

A psychiatrist was doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students.

They looked in on one patient and the psychiatrist said to his students, 'Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?'

The first student sai, 'Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?'

The second student says, 'No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering.'

A seriously drunken guy walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him vigourously.

He immediately apologized and explained, 'I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.'

'Who would marry you you worthless, wretched, no good, piece of shit drunk?!' she screamed.

'Funny,' he muttered, 'you even sound like her.'

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new retriever.

His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water, he didn't sink, but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, 'Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?'

'I sure did,' responded the pessimist. 'He can't swim.'

It was visitor's day at the Mormon lunatic asylum in Salt Lake City, Utah. All the patients were standing in the courtyard and singing 'Ave Maria.' And singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor of the choir. 'I am a retired choir director,' he said. 'This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard.'

'Yes, I'm very proud of them,' said the conductor.

'You should take them on tour,' said the visitor, 'what are they called?'

'Surely that's obvious,' replied the conductor. 'They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir.'

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, 'I do hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there.'

'No,' said the doctor calmly, 'He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.'

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, 'I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what: if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in.'

So the guy says, 'Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tyre iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader-a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

'Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tyre iron.

Then I turned around and, wielding my tyre iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'

Impressed, St. Peter says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

A juggler driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

'What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?' asks the cop.

'I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.'

'Oh yeah?' says the doubtful cop. 'Lets see you do it.'

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. 'Wow,' says the driver to his wife. 'I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the high seas.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch, so he asks him 'How did you end up with the peg-leg?'

The pirate replies 'We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off'.

'Wow!' said the seaman. 'What about the hook'?

'Well...' replied the pirate, 'We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.'

'Incredible!' remarked the seaman. 'How did you get the eye patch'?

'A seagull dropping fell into my eye', replied the pirate.

'You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?' the sailor asked incredulously.

'Well...' said the pirate, 'It WAS my first day with the hook.'

A woman in the local supermarket was looking over the Christmas turkeys trying to find a choice bird.

When she couldn't seem to find the size bird she was looking for she went to one of the stockboys and asked, 'Excuse me, but do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stockboy nonchalantly replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'