We play the music you want to hear

Telegrams




Here is a compilation of commonly heard telegrams

When a man is single, he is incomplete.
When a man gets married, he is finished.

She offered her honour,
he honoured her offer,
and all night he was on her and off her.

Congratulations on your special day,
Love Pa Farkin, Ma Farkin,
and the whole Farkin Family.

We've tried him in every position,
hope you have more luck.
The {local} netball/football team


Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the girl next door.

Don't spring on the inner spring this spring or there'll be an off-spring next spring.

If the stork brings babies which bird won't?
A swallow.

There are three rings in a marriage:
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
and
The Suffering!!!

An add in the Trading Post ….. For Sale :
Complete 48 volume Encyclopedia Britannica set. Hardly used and in mint condition.
$500 o.n.o. No longer required as {wife/husband} knows everything. (delete one)

Treat the bride like a new car....
Go easy for the first 500

Forecast for the Wedding.....
Expected development of Warm front
With extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions.
Good possibility of six inches overnight
Sun (son) is expected later on

Love is a thousand miles long......
But it comes in six inch instalments

Easy on the throttle
Steady on the gears
Roll her over gently
And she'll last for many years

They say marriage is an institution - then you end up in one!

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days...
Or you will get a weak end (Weekend)

Take heed from those who know
Tie your nightie to your toes
Close your eyes - hold your nose
Then see how it goes

Treat him like a flower...
Grab him by the stalk

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow
the black leather boots and bull whip?

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy
Whisky makes you Frisky
But it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant

Sorry I cannot be at the wedding...
Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom mounted

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms
soon have arms in woman's sink

Don't buy your bed from Grace Bros
They stand behind everything they sell

Hope all your tries are not converted

A honeymoon should be like a table...
Four bare legs and no drawers

"I was engaged myself once.
To a contortionist.
But she broke it off."

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding...
is that you never get to prove it

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
Firstly, The Marriage Game,
Followed by, Great Temptation,
The Untouchables,
Mission Impossible,
The Time is Right,
Rawhide and Bonanza

A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you,
so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play
make sure it's at the end of the day

Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug

Advice to submariners -
if torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject

Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may
I express an appreciation of your determination to end the
desperation and frustration which has caused you so much
consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a
combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

After a moment of quiet repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night

Dear {bride}
Isn't it funny how history repeats itself
Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were
putting you to bed with a dummy ->
and now it's happening all over again

To Submarine Commander {groom's name}
Please report depth and position at midnight

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal-
- a little bit of breast
- a little bit of leg
.......and a lot of stuffing ! ! !

[Return to Top]