Hutz: Now don’t you worry, Mrs Simpson. I … Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well replace the word ‘kinda’ with the word ‘repeatedly’ and the word ‘dog’ with ‘son’.
“I’ve argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.”
Homer: You sure have got some education, Mr Hutz.
Hutz: Yes … Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre …
Hutz: Well we lost, here's your free pizza.
Marge: But we won.
Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
Hutz: Mr. Simpson I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help but overhearing that you need a babysitter! Since I'm a highly trained lawyer I'll charge you $200/hour!
Homer: I'll give you six bucks and you can take 2 popsicles out of the fridge!
Hutz: THREE!
Homer: No, TWO!
Hutz: Deal! But I get to keep this old birdcage!
Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the Judge and I'm the.... law talking guy.
Judge: The Lawyer!
Hutz: Right.
"Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement."
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
Homer: All you can eat - Hah!
Hutz: Mr Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, The Neverending Story.
Homer: Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Now, Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
"Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer - uhhh, keeper awayer."
Marge: It was just salesmanship.
Hutz: Sure Marge, "salesmanship".
Marge: It was.
Hutz: Sure Marge "was". (suggested by matt)
I CALL FOR ONE OF THOSE BAD COURT THINGIES!