“All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says ‘Capricorn’, and something with coconut on it.”
“Fat Tony is the cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the … uh …what cures cancer?”
“This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a … car of some sort;heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.”
Wiggum: I’d like to help you,ma’am, but, heh heh, I’m afraid there’s no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: I’m pretty sure there is.
Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle –
Lou: Hey, she’s right, chief.
Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth.
It’s ALSO illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
“See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you’ll go scot-free.”
Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy that guy who eats people and takes their faces?
Normal-looking prisoner: I’m right here, Chief.
Wiggum: Oh. Then where’s Sideshow Bob?
Another prisoner: Oh, he ran off.
Wiggum: Oh, great. Well … if anyone asks, I beat him to death, okay?
“Krusty the clown, you are under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say blah blah blah blah blah.”
Lou: There’s a couple of guys fighting down at the aquarium, Chief.
Wiggum: Do they still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Wiggum: Let’s roll.
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys!
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
Wiggum: Cuff him boys, we're putting this dirtbag away.
Snake: Ha! I'll be back on the street in twenty-four hours!
Wiggum: We'll try to make it twelve.
Burns: Officer, arrest the baby!
Wiggum: Ha. Yeah right, pops. No jury's gonna convict a baby. Uhm, maybe Texas.
"Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?"
"What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?" (suggested by Clay777734)
Wiggum: "Now what do ya do if ya see Mad Marge?"
Ralph: [Pulls out a gun] "Freeze crazy mommy!"
Wiggum: "Good, Ralphie, but aim a little higher, that's a kill shot."(suggested by edie holland)
"Wiggum ... right lady, an elephant just went through your back yard. Wiggum ... right, an elephant just knock over your mail box. Wiggum ... right, liquor store robbery officer down right, and I'm Edward G. Robinson, nahh." (suggested by jason)
"And remember Ralphy, if your nose starts to bleed, it means you are picking it too much ... or not enough." (suggested by bichs12)
Wiggum: Good Work Lou, you'll make Sergeant for this.
Lou: I already am Sergent, Chief.
Wiggum: Sideshow Bob, I expected to see you here, take him away Lou.
Lou: But Chief, Cecil just confessed the whole thing, Sideshow Bob is innocent!
Wiggum: Shut up Lou, or I'll bust your but back down to Sergeant so fast.(suggested by mike)
Lou: Hey Chief that kids vandalizing a statue.
Wiggum: Oh look a wooden bat. Today all these kids use is just aluminum or metal. Good job boy.(suggested by tom van fechtmann)
"If Sideshow Bob were planning something evil, would he have invited the best cop in town? Hey, where's my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I went to get a piece of cake." (suggested by evan)
"Well, they didn't count with the awesome power of the chief of police! Where's my badge? Hey! That duck's got it!"(suggested by hugo)
HEH HEH